christo (chrriiiss) wrote,

China blues

It's good to be back. After all this time, I'm still the same person. I tried to write some entries in the past couple of weeks, but I would end up staring at this blank box, overwhelmed by the swarm of thoughts that I'd wanted to fill it with. The ADD kicks in and the entry ends up at the bottom of the pile of browser tabs and other things on my to do list, which always seems to move the least important things to the top. It's a sick habit that, evidently throughout the years in LJ posts, I haven't been able to kick.

But anyways, I'm usually good once I get rolling. So here we go, in the stream-of-consciousness fashion that I'm accustomed to...

Dating a local Chinese girl. Guess we all saw that coming, even though I denied the possibility for all of a few months. I dunno why I'm a serial dater. It makes sense in retrospect. My earliest crushes were in kindergarten for godsake. That has to be quite abnormal during a time when boys were afraid of contacting imaginary diseases from girls (also abnormal is how I'm not that afraid of contracting real diseases from girls in my adult life...thank god I'm still clean, *knock on wood*).

The topic came up when I was chatting with my sister a few weeks ago...

sis: wait what? chinese gf?
me: oh yeah I started dating a local chick
sis: you would
me: yeah... but someone has to make up for the dating that you and Justin aren't doing

I seriously admire my siblings from being so adverse to dating, recognizing it as a serious hindrance to the more important things in life. Not saying that companionship (and sex) aren't important, but they aren't if you don't care for them. And so my brother has been able to truck through a tough university engineering program while mastering photography. My sister has been involved with working at a mental health clinic, being Kanye West's personal assistant, networking her way through the entertainment industry, acting school, taking part in a new non profit organization for disfigured children in Vietnam, producing an upcoming band, directing a music video, and having a crazy party life... for starters. And I, well I spend time with my gf, which has pretty much been my standard life in the last decade.

I'm proud of my bro and sis and kind of just feel whatever about myself. It's been a long day for me. Whereas normally 6 of 7 days of the week, I'm feeling motivated and optimistic, these downer days are ones where I'm likely to make a whiny LJ post. What a whine-o.

My greater aspirations, poker, travel, general accomplishment haven't been coming easy. Poker has been absolutely terrible as I'm being destroyed by negative variance as the tiny retard stakes. What should have been a quick warmup, has me doubting that I'm a profitable player at all anymore. I'm too numb to even play more than a couple hundred hands anymore. Normally I'm pretty good at keeping my emotions in check to play solid poker, but I fall apart when it's in long stretches like this. Especially when I'm putting more work into my game than ever.

Not making that money as quickly as I thought I could has been the major obstacle in funding my travel. So I've decided to resort to just finding more normal work and saving up, which is added stress. I got offered an interview at Ubisoft, which I was excited about, only to be informed that the position had already been filled a few days prior to the interview. my face: =\

Also I just recovered from some really nasty stomach bug and cold/flu. Teaching my university class is turning out to not be rewarding since half of my kids are lazy as fuck. So yeah my head is hanging a bit low at the moment.
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